hoosierbitch: (Default)
Today was a therapy day. Therapist was a bit hippy-dippy today, very “Trust that the universe will unfold the way it’s supposed to!” but also we talked a lot about not living our lives based on what society and other people THINK we should be doing, and instead be ok with ourselves the way we are.

I have an MFA in a field that I don’t think I want to be involved in. Today’s revelation: Maybe it’s not that I’m a failure at it, maybe it’s just not something I can do while maintaining a happy and healthy life for myself outside of that work.

I could very happily do administrative-type work the rest of my life. The fact that I’m currently holding down a job, walking my dog twice a day (almost every day, I’ve been getting SO MUCH BETTER), working on sorting my bipolar meds, and talking to my happy therapy lady who’s a hippy but maybe not wrong, is good. My dad said he was proud of me the last time I was home, which. Well. My dad says “I love you” a lot, mostly scrawled on postcards, but the fact that he’s proud of me for getting through this first year in MN where I’m still mostly friendless, working a part-time job, and taking each day at a time—means a fuck of a lot.

I was just raised to believe that you should give as much as you have, and do as much for your community as you can, and so the fact that for the past year I’ve been mostly focussing on keeping myself above water is not in my life-plan. The fact that this coming year might follow the same pattern makes me feel terrible, and guilty, because if I’m not doing good things for other people, what the hell good am I?

After therapy I went to a bakery and bought two cupcakes.

They are gone now.

Tomorrow morning I’ll probably go out for huevoes rancheros because my brain is rly fucking confused and comfort food helps.

 
hoosierbitch: (FNL funny This icon is at the game)
re: subj line--"next to normal" anyone? yes. i saw that musical once, and they sang that line SO MANY TIMES that it pops into my head whenever i'm feeling lively after a down spell. it's replaced the zombie "i'm aliiiiiiiiiiiiive!"

*

So, it has been many moons (er, that means months, doesn't it. fortnights? couple-of-days-long-units-of-time) since I last updated.

Me in a nutshell: Finished out the year. Ended on a sour note with some people, which, I don't usually do, on account of how I avoid confrontation/negative interactions, so it threw me for a loop more than it perhaps should have. I'm heading to Phoenix in...a week (Phoenix! In ARIZONA!) for an internship. So, if my updating doesn't continue, it's possible that I've died of heat. 

I should write a fuller entry on this, but: I got to meet [personal profile] arsenicjade a few weekends ago, and she is LOVELY. She got me hooked on Magnificent 7, and we ate delicious food (smoosh-in ice cream and Indian food and homecooked pasta sauce with delicious bread), and mostly we lounged. It was relaxing and invigorating and fun. :-)

Um. Let's see. I'm bad at recapping. Um. I have a bag! Like, a nice bag! From a department store! It's made for women! *stares at it* I saw it, and my brain (and body, actually) made grabby hands. We're in love. It's weird. *stares at it more* I'm not big on shopping, and I mostly stick to gender-neutral/butch clothing, but this BAG. *stares more*

Uuuuuuuuuuuuum I should go write fic now. I have this weekend empty of things to do, so I need to make sure I do not slack, because I will be a happier person if I am writing stories. 

I think (hope) I'm coming out of a kind of nasty depressive swing. I'm generally pretty crap at transitional periods, and worrying about money is never good on top of that, and I'm moving house, and saying goodbye to the folks who are graduating, and also, I've just been lonely. Which. Yeah. Sucks. But! I am feeling more chipper (I am sooooooooooo alive) and I'm going to go write and comment on folks' entries (I am soooooooooooooooo behind) and at some point, I shall eat food! Probably while watching Captain America. Because the Avengers have eaten my brain.

OH SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT ATE MY BRAIN

IS THERE A WHITE COLLAR HUNGER GAMES AU YET? 

BECAUSE ELIZABETH WOULD WIN THE HUNGER GAMES YOU GUYS.
hoosierbitch: (Psych Funny Silly "T-Rex! Lookit my litt)
I have achieved the Grad Student Holy Grail. )

*falls over with happy*

OKAY RIGHT BUT IMPORTANT THINGS:

1) For the first time I'm actually going to GO somewhere for my Spring Break! To an exotic, foreign land! (Canada.) WOOOO!!!
2) DID Y'ALL KNOW MATT BOMER DID AN ELVIS THEMED PHOTOSHOOT FOR GQ ITALIA? HE SINGS AND IS GORGEOUS.
3) Ivorysilk makes my angsty heart happy. Lovely post-Checkmate fic that I got to beta, it's wonderful, you should read it.
4) [community profile] fandom_helps.


This is an auction to benefit Planned Parenthood. You can go and offer handmade items, fics, vids, pics, misc (pretty much anything), and on the 14th other folks will bid on them. All of the money goes to Planned Parenthood. It's a great way to get some wonderful personalized gifts for yourself/others, and it's a way to help raise money for a cause you support even if you're someone (like me!) who can't afford to give very much on their own. You can find my thread, where I'm offering a fic with a 2k word minimum, here. 

The auction's on DW, but you can offer/bid with an openid (there's a tutorial on the comm if you don't know how to do that). Posting offers ends on the 13th, bidding starts on the 14th, and ends on the 21st. 

I know there are a shit-ton of talented people on my flist, and on y'alls flists--so think about what you can offer, what you can afford, or even if you can help to signal boost this so that the information gets to more people. ♥

*

Update on how Being Not Depressed is not the same as Being Depressed:

Some of my study/coping/life habits that have served me well in the past are clashing with Not Being Depressed. So--you know how if you feel cruddy the majority of the time, that whenever you DON'T feel cruddy, you desperately try to get as much done as you possibly can? If you only have thirty minutes in the day where the idea of sending emails to people doesn't make your stomach clench, then you need to jump on those thirty minutes and use them as best you can. Unfortunately, now that I actually have a consistently higher amount of energy, it's hard to get over the instinct to get ALL OF THE THINGS DONE ASAP.

So I have energy (WHICH IS SO COOL), but I don't know how to...how to have energy and not feel like I have to take immediate advantage of it. Because after working for a couple of hours, I should probably let myself take a break without my inner Jewish mother going OMG YOU LAZY SLACKER YOU SHOULD BE WORKING. I think this is exacerbated by the fact that I'm working on a lot of long-term projects that I can't actually Git Done right away.

It's not a big deal, and I'm poking around it to figure it out, it's just something I'm thinking thinky thoughts about.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: Where are the fics where Matt Bomer/Neal climbs Joe Manganiello/Ben like a tree? I got hot and bothered just watching them BE NEAR EACH OTHER. My size differential kink just went bonkers. So. PORN?
hoosierbitch: (Default)
I didn't get around to any end-of-the-year memes, and I didn't do a round up (although one of these days I really will make sure everything's over on AO3!), but there is something I want to talk about.

The most important thing that happened to me last year was that I finally dealt with my depression.

trigger warning for excessively rambly reminiscing about depression )

*

I know that everyone who has depression experiences it in their own way and faces obstacles of their own. I know that my story is atypical, a work in progress, and right now still in a honeymoon phase. But it's a new year, goddammit! And I want to start it off by offering, to anyone who might need it, what was offered to me: hope.

I'm going to leave the rest of this entry to [personal profile] resonant, who has summarized the issue much more eloquently and concisely than I can. This is in her words, and was copied with permission from her post here.

*

I don't want to cause anyone pain or add to anyone's burdens.

But if you have depression or an anxiety disorder, and you've been putting off getting treatment because of the familiar litany of internalized self-hatred --

... Other people have it much worse than I do ...
... I'm not really sick; I just need to suck it up and deal with real life ...
... My pain is not important enough to justify professional help; I'd just be wasting someone's time ...
... Really most of it I'm just making up or exaggerating ...
... I can work, so I must be fine, right? ...

-- then what I want to say to you is this: If you were to go out today and find a counselor (or a different counselor, one who works better for you), I can promise you that there is someone in your life, someone who loves you, who would be so happy. Someone who would feel like it was their birthday and the FedEx truck just pulled up in front of their house. Someone who would feel like some horrible ear-splitting noise had just suddenly ceased.

Is this selfish of me? Possibly. If it sounds like that to you, ignore it; as I say, I don't want to make anyone's life more difficult. But if you're not treating your pain because you think that you're the only one who has to live with it, I can assure you that you're mistaken.


*

hoosierbitch: (Grimm funny silly Reaper "Because I'm wo)
You ever have one of those days where you're like "dangit, my writing's gotten so repetitive I just bored the heck out of myself trying to edit it," and then you read stuff by other people that's so good you can't even comprehend how they wrote such awesome shit, you just know you've never written anything close to that?

...and then you remember that you wrote pretty much this exact same post seven months ago, and got amazing, thorough, thought-provoking answers from really good friends who cared enough to take the time to help you out?

I'm still trying to figure out how to stretch myself. Since I made that post, however, I've written more "women having awesome sex" fics, and written two stories that broke the 20k barrier, which is really cool. I've also written in a couple of new fandoms, X-Men and Grimm, and inhabiting those different worlds and writing from the POVs of new characters has helped to free up my style.

(...I'm also on mental meds that have given me my first multi-week stretch of "good days" since I was around thirteen years old. It is so freaky y'all, I cannot even talk about it coherently yet. Suffice to say: I'm, like, happy! O.o Hopefully that will help me take my frustrated energy and channel it into "How can I challenge myself in new ways, and set better goals for myself?" and less into "WHY DO YOU INSIST ON SUCKING SO BAD ALL THE TIME, YOU DOUCHEY DOUCHE BAG?")

Things that would challenge me and would be fun to write:
  1. Straight-up dubcon fic--probably Renard/Monroe/Nick, or even feral!Monroe/Nick.
  2. The longfic about Neal/Peter/Elizabeth meeting each other's parents
  3. Dark Angel service kink, which has been rolling around in my head for over a year, because service kink intrigues and perplexes me and I have researched it muchly.
  4. Maybe the Kurt/Puck long-relationship fic, based on this essay about the eight stages of a relationship (playing within a pre-determined structure)
It's easy for me to fall back on just writing some random porn for an anon kink meme, because I know I will probably get some comments, and that always makes me feel really good. But when I gather that stuff together and think about reposting it, I just feel like...like it isn't worth the effort. Right now I'm not saying anything that I haven't already said in a dozen fics.

I'm going to repost a question that I asked in my original "help me be better at writing" post, because since June I've made a lot of new friends and (I hope) progressed some as a writer, and would like new input:

Do you have any suggestions for stories that I should try? An AU that brings up an issue I haven't dealt with before, an idea for a way impose an interesting structure on a story, a plotline/scene that you think I could write that is different from what I usually tackle? 

And a new question--I need to find ways to challenge myself with porn/sex scenes. Because I really really really like to write porn. I like BDSM, I like the mental aspects of sex, I like powerplay, I like the way the physical conversations can subsume the verbal ones. At this point though, I get kind of lost midway through a scene and just end up going through the motions. I signed up for a kink bingo card this round, and then realized that I'd written every single square already. I don't want to stop writing porn, so I need to find other ways to make it new and interesting.

Does anyone have any suggestions for plot ideas, narrative techniques, porn to read, new dynamics/people combinations, weird places to have sex in, tropes that intrigue you, or something else entirely that might help me shake things up?

Please don't feel obligated to respond (especially because these are pretty self-indulgent & complicated questions!). l'm going to keep trucking along with this on my own, it just really helps me sort it out when I write it all down. :-) 


Completely random footnote: I'm watching Portlandia with my sister, and she thinks Steve Buscemi is the sexiest man alive.

...also, DW, why don't you want to end my cut text where I tell you to? [note to DW part 2: and why did you screw up the indentations?] 
I even checked your html and everything. Goshdarn cut tags, never seem to do what I want 'em to...

hoosierbitch: (S Fire in Hands)
I'MMA TELL YOU A STORY.

It is a short story about a tall lass. (Me!)

my terrible horrible no good very bad week )used and possibly trying to flirt with you, please be nice to him? He's somebody's family, and they're probably worried about him. 

My plans to spend this summer writing and being part of fandom again have failed to materialize. And I think that's what actually making me feel down. It's like all my cool friends went to summer camp without me. 

But. Yeah. Anyway. That is what is going on in the life of me.
hoosierbitch: (S Picard oh squee indeed)
I woke up this morning and was excited for the day. :D :D :D :D :D

That marks the first time that I've gotten out of bed without having to force myself in WEEKS. Thank you, antidepressants! \o/ And thanks to my mother, who offered to drive three hours to have dinner with me. We're going to just wait until I drive home for Spring Break, but the fact that she wanted to, and that it was an option if I really needed it, helped to alleviate some of the stress. 

Romeo & Juliet
starts tomorrow, and even though I'm less prepared than I'd like to be, I'm not UNprepared. Given the givens, I'm gonna try not to beat myself up over that too much.

And as a final thank you to all of you: HAVE SOME PORN! This is part of what is turning into a RIDICULOUSLY PORNTACULAR body!swap fic for  [livejournal.com profile] rabidchild67. I don't know when I'm going to have time to finish it, so here's a bit to tide you over! 

Information that is necessary for reading this snippet out of context: HANDWAVY PLOT HAPPENS AND NEAL AND EL SWITCH BODIES.

AND THEN SEX. 

\o/

Pooooooooooooooooooooooorn! )
Also, MY TULIPS ARE BLOOMING! IT IS NOT UNLIKE A METAPHOR.

You can call me Flower if you want to... )

Thank you all so much for your support. Seriously - I cannot say enough how much I appreciate it. ♥