i could probably be more boring if i tried

[hoosierbitch]

Today was a therapy day. Therapist was a bit hippy-dippy today, very “Trust that the universe will unfold the way it’s supposed to!” but also we talked a lot about not living our lives based on what society and other people THINK we should be doing, and instead be ok with ourselves the way we are.

I have an MFA in a field that I don’t think I want to be involved in. Today’s revelation: Maybe it’s not that I’m a failure at it, maybe it’s just not something I can do while maintaining a happy and healthy life for myself outside of that work.

I could very happily do administrative-type work the rest of my life. The fact that I’m currently holding down a job, walking my dog twice a day (almost every day, I’ve been getting SO MUCH BETTER), working on sorting my bipolar meds, and talking to my happy therapy lady who’s a hippy but maybe not wrong, is good. My dad said he was proud of me the last time I was home, which. Well. My dad says “I love you” a lot, mostly scrawled on postcards, but the fact that he’s proud of me for getting through this first year in MN where I’m still mostly friendless, working a part-time job, and taking each day at a time—means a fuck of a lot.

I was just raised to believe that you should give as much as you have, and do as much for your community as you can, and so the fact that for the past year I’ve been mostly focussing on keeping myself above water is not in my life-plan. The fact that this coming year might follow the same pattern makes me feel terrible, and guilty, because if I’m not doing good things for other people, what the hell good am I?

After therapy I went to a bakery and bought two cupcakes.

They are gone now.

Tomorrow morning I’ll probably go out for huevoes rancheros because my brain is rly fucking confused and comfort food helps.

 

Comments

[daria234.livejournal.com]

HUGS

Working on being happy and healthy and having a job you like are all awesome goals and definitely worthy and important things. Being kind to others and your family and working on yourself IS a contribution to society (refrains from going on a rant about how the man (patriarchy/economic system/oppressor of choice) tries to make us think otherwise. Because I don't want to annoy you, sorry.)

It sounds like you have tons to be proud of.

Though I really don't see any problem with Huevos Rancheros regardless - they are always a good idea. :)

<3 <3

[surreal-44.livejournal.com]

Taking care of yourself first IS helping other people. It helps people feel good about you, and it makes people happy that you're happy.

:-)

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

To the above excellent comments I would add that often our best opportunities to make a contribution find us, rather than the other way around.

[(Anonymous)]

Sometimes taking care of yourself /is/ helping your community. A community is made up of individuals, and healthy, happy individuals make a healthy, happy community. You don't have to martyr yourself at the alter of the greater good in order to be a good person and do good for the world. Example: Buying cupcakes = stimulating local economy.