my walls are empty.

[hoosierbitch]

So I haven't posted an update on my life in a bit, and I realized that it's 'cause I keep waiting for things to start going badly. As if if I talk about being happy, I will jinx it, and it will go away. I'm still waiting for things to settle into a routine that I'm familiar with - which involves a certain amount of day-to-day awkwardness, feeling uncomfortable, and being antisocial.

That is not currently my routine.

O.o?

Which is to say: grad school is going SWIMMINGLY! My classes are all interesting and will become challenging now that presentations are getting underway. My voice and movement classes are, right now, the hardest - my TMJ is really bad (and I can't currently afford to start fixing it) so twice I've gotten headaches from voice class after we've done "open your mouth wide and do this..." exercises. (Yes, we also make a lot of innuendo jokes in voice class. It is my special favorite.)

In movement class last week we did baby cartwheels and I think I hurt myself a little. HOORAY ICE PACKS! BUT: I did do a wheelbarrow across the room in pike position, not an easy thing for a heavy, out-of-shape woman to accomplish. AND I have lost some weight! Not much, but a little! :D

I'm getting along really well with the other students. Especially the other director, but there's also...three of the acting students who I really like, and they like me! They think I'm super nice and nurturing. Which is what I try to be, as a director and a person. I create safe spaces! YAAAAY!!!! \o/

I guess the disconnect in this comes from having a pretty crappy social experience in my undergrad. I just never felt comfortable there. Had a few casual friends, never went out to parties (because I didn't like the people enough to put up with the bad music and drunk/high/irritating folks), and felt out of place. I loved my classes, I loved the shows I was working on, and I kind of buried myself in that in order to forget the rest of my life. And then I spent this past year in a city where I didn't know a single person who wasn't related to me. All of my friends were states away (and some of y'all I only know from the interwebs!).

But I have to say - I think part of the reason that I feel more confident now is having made so many friends on LJ. All of those "love on me?" memes, and y'alls comments on rambley RL posts and PMs and IMs and emails - I think writing fanfiction has ended up being the single best thing that has ever happened to my self-esteem. During the first few days of school, whenever I got intimidated, I reminded myself that online, I have friends who think I am very cool, and maybe people in RL will think that sometimes, too!

Oh, fannish armor. ♥

I just - I don't feel out of place here. I feel like I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. It's kind of wonderful.

Fannish news:

• usakeh I swear to god I AM WORKING ON YOUR FIC! I'mma try to get it done before Wednesday.
• The new season of Merlin started! And, may I say, Bradley James has become EVEN PRETTIER. HOW DID HE DO THAT?
• Also...the new season of America's Next Top Model has begun. *hides shame and rewatches*
• I'm going to try to finish two fics before September 24th. And if I do that, I'm gonna sign up for whitecollarswap! Signups are open now, and close on the 24th. I think it's a lovely idea for how to pass hiatus, I just want to make sure that I realistically have enough time to finish a fic for it.

Now: off to finish cleaning the apartment in anticipation of BFF's arrival in the next 3-4 hours, and then gonna read some Pinter and Arthur Miller! And then (*stares at life like a cobra that might sting*) I'm gonna go to a social event so that I can hang out with people. Because I WANT to.

WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!

Comments

[veronicasleeps.livejournal.com]

I'm incredibly jealous. Just so you know.

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

*knows*

*hugs*

*♥s*

[igoformerlot.livejournal.com]

I'm delighted to hear you've found a place you belong, where people appreciate you! Sometime it takes some of us longer than others, but it's wonderful when we do find it at last.

IMO, you writing fanficiton is one of the best things that happened to the INTERWEBZ, too! :D

[usakeh.livejournal.com]

IMO, you writing fanficiton is one of the best things that happened to the INTERWEBZ, too! :D

SECONDED!

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darling. ♥

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, lovely! Got a huge smile (and a bit of a blush).

♥

[usakeh.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm happy that life in graduate school is going well for you; you are awesome, and deserve to have a delightful time there. Also, yay for my (first) story. (It is the first of three you'll be writing me, yes? There's the Vital Signs one; there's the HIV/AIDS one; there's the left to be determined one from help_pakistan.) There's ZERO pressure on getting them done by a certain date, incidentally; I understand that you're really busy. And I know that your stories will be more than worth the wait.

EDITED BECAUSE I LEFT OUT A KEY WORD.

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

Thank you, darlin'!

I'm working on Vital Signs, but send me prompts any time for Pakistan!

I hope you're doing well!!

[usakeh.livejournal.com]

Yay, the Vital Signs one! After that, could you finish the HIV one, please? So far, I haven't thought of another quality prompt for help_pakistan; when I do, I will absolutely send it - or them, if I think of multiple ones - to you. Thanks so much, dear; you're amazing! &hearts

[daria234.livejournal.com]

YAY :D

*sends more love your way*

[hoosierbitch.livejournal.com]

*sends love right back to ya!*

Thanks, lovely!

[photoash.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy to hear that things are going so well and you are being so much more social <3 <3 <3 GO B!!! :D

I am glad fanfic has helped <3 hehehe:) your fanfic and friendship both have been a blessing to me <3 so I'm glad to hear you're benefited from knowing us all collectively!

Given how stressful the next bit is going to be for you - try not to lock yourself into writing eh? :) You should be being social and having fun and working your butt off -- that's grad school if it's a great experience!! :D

(and LOL on BFF not showing up till today? :) )

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Yay, glad to see such a happy post! *squishes you*

[literaryspell.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy grad school is going so well for you! That is awesome. And yay for wanting to go out and be social--I hope you had fun. :D

[ultracape.livejournal.com]

Your grad school experience is quite normal. People don't go to grad school unless they want to go and it makes all the difference. I hated my entire formal educational experience until I got to grad school,(MA in Media Studies) and I loved every second of it.

So enjoy yourself.

[penguingal.livejournal.com]

/POUNCESQUISHES/

/CLINGS TO YOU/

You know I <3 you B like whoa, so it is awesome to see such a happy YAY post from you. It makes my heart go like :D :D :D :D

You rock baby doll.

[frankiemcstein.livejournal.com]

Ah, I am SO happy for you!

[(Anonymous)]

"I think writing fanfiction has ended up being the single best thing that has ever happened to my self-esteem. During the first few days of school, whenever I got intimidated, I reminded myself that online, I have friends who think I am very cool, and maybe people in RL will think that sometimes, too!"

This was wonderful to read!!! *hugs you very much* You are fucking fabulous and don't ever forget it.

~fp