and here's to a happy new year
Jan. 9th, 2012 10:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hoosierbitchI didn't get around to any end-of-the-year memes, and I didn't do a round up (although one of these days I really will make sure everything's over on AO3!), but there is something I want to talk about.
The most important thing that happened to me last year was that I finally dealt with my depression.
The last time I confronted the problem head-on, I was in high school and missing classes because I was crying too hard to walk down the hallway. I was put on antidepressants then, and figured...that was that! I was as good as I was gonna get. At various points I have tried to make more progress, but most of my attempts floundered in the face of my emotional inertia.
Last year I had three full-blown panic attacks and was living from hypomanic episode to hypomanic episode with weeks-long depressive interludes episodes in between. That's been my normal for a very long time.
There were a lot of factors that led to me deciding to get more help. First off, I got an awesome girlfriend and was frustrated by being too low-energy and antisocial to hang out with her. I read back through my LJ and was stunned by the amount of entries I wrote when I was feeling completely hopeless. And, most importantly, I had you guys (especially the two of you I met the first time in Chicago, and all of the wonderful folks I've met in person since then).
About a month into this past semester, I wrote a journal entry when I was in a really bad place. I was hungover and freaking out about some monumentally stupid mistakes I'd made the night before, and I got an overwhelming amount of responses. Literally overwhelming, to the point where I locked the post and didn't read my emails for a while because I was so fucking pissed at everyone for being condescending and patronizing and blowing everything out of proportion.
...eventually I realized that maybe, when I'm depressed, I'm not the best judge of how depressed I am. And I realized that every single person who had written to me wanted me to get better. They thought I was important enough--and my depression damaging enough--to warrant enduring the ordeal of getting help.
So I did.
Improbably, I had an almost entirely positive experience once I got myself started. I found a therapist who I liked and who I connected with, and I worked with an endearingly enthusiastic man in the oncampus health center to get a new prescription for meds, instead of sticking with the antidepressants I've been on for almost eight years.
It's been two months since the new meds kicked in, and the differences are...staggering.
In the first few weeks, I kept telling myself that there was no way I was going to feel this good on a permanent basis. I figured I should just enjoy it while it lasted. And then, when it didn't go away, I thought "I'm cheating. There's no way that everyone goes around feeling like this all the time. I'm not just correcting the chemical imbalances in my brain, I'm fucking cheating." I talked about this with my mother, and she said that no, the majority of people don't feel like this all the time. She said she thinks that I'm just a happy person.
Before this, I have felt happy--and bouncy and cheerful and gleeful and exuberant--but I have also had panic attacks and weekends where I couldn't get out of bed and weeks where I lived on junk food because the best part of my day was Cheetos. I have felt happy, but never felt like a happy person.
The changes that surprise me the most are probably molehills to most people, but for me it feels like I just climbed motherfucking Everest. I cleaned my car. I went through all of my clothes and books and gave the stuff I didn't need to Goodwill. I organized my shelves and drycleaned my coat and enjoyed a shower just because the water felt nice on my face.
And, impossibly: my room has been clean for more than three days. And not just that--it's been clean for almost two months. I can't figure out how to convey what that means--my room is clean. My room has been clean. I have cleaned my room. Before this, I cleaned my room when I was manic, and as soon as that faded the dishes and laundry and books and trash would pile up again. Never, in my entire life, have I woken up for so many consecutive days in a room that is clean. I look around my room and take pleasure in it. I know that someone took care of the clothes and books and knickknacks arrayed on the bookshelves because they care about me. I'm taking care of me.
I have spent half my life dealing with diagnosed depression, and for the first time, I feel good. I still have the occasional bad day, and I freak out about implied negative comments and am awkwardsauce in social situations, but it's not as overwhelming as it used to be. I'm writing stories that aren't about loneliness, and I'm writing regularly. I'm enjoying my new notebook and exploring new cafes and opening my curtains sometimes because I like sunlight. I am enjoying my life.
*
I know that everyone who has depression experiences it in their own way and faces obstacles of their own. I know that my story is atypical, a work in progress, and right now still in a honeymoon phase. But it's a new year, goddammit! And I want to start it off by offering, to anyone who might need it, what was offered to me: hope.
I'm going to leave the rest of this entry toresonant, who has summarized the issue much more eloquently and concisely than I can. This is in her words, and was copied with permission from her post here.
*
I don't want to cause anyone pain or add to anyone's burdens.
But if you have depression or an anxiety disorder, and you've been putting off getting treatment because of the familiar litany of internalized self-hatred --
... Other people have it much worse than I do ...
... I'm not really sick; I just need to suck it up and deal with real life ...
... My pain is not important enough to justify professional help; I'd just be wasting someone's time ...
... Really most of it I'm just making up or exaggerating ...
... I can work, so I must be fine, right? ...
-- then what I want to say to you is this: If you were to go out today and find a counselor (or a different counselor, one who works better for you), I can promise you that there is someone in your life, someone who loves you, who would be so happy. Someone who would feel like it was their birthday and the FedEx truck just pulled up in front of their house. Someone who would feel like some horrible ear-splitting noise had just suddenly ceased.
Is this selfish of me? Possibly. If it sounds like that to you, ignore it; as I say, I don't want to make anyone's life more difficult. But if you're not treating your pain because you think that you're the only one who has to live with it, I can assure you that you're mistaken.
*
♥
The most important thing that happened to me last year was that I finally dealt with my depression.
The last time I confronted the problem head-on, I was in high school and missing classes because I was crying too hard to walk down the hallway. I was put on antidepressants then, and figured...that was that! I was as good as I was gonna get. At various points I have tried to make more progress, but most of my attempts floundered in the face of my emotional inertia.
Last year I had three full-blown panic attacks and was living from hypomanic episode to hypomanic episode with weeks-long depressive interludes episodes in between. That's been my normal for a very long time.
There were a lot of factors that led to me deciding to get more help. First off, I got an awesome girlfriend and was frustrated by being too low-energy and antisocial to hang out with her. I read back through my LJ and was stunned by the amount of entries I wrote when I was feeling completely hopeless. And, most importantly, I had you guys (especially the two of you I met the first time in Chicago, and all of the wonderful folks I've met in person since then).
About a month into this past semester, I wrote a journal entry when I was in a really bad place. I was hungover and freaking out about some monumentally stupid mistakes I'd made the night before, and I got an overwhelming amount of responses. Literally overwhelming, to the point where I locked the post and didn't read my emails for a while because I was so fucking pissed at everyone for being condescending and patronizing and blowing everything out of proportion.
...eventually I realized that maybe, when I'm depressed, I'm not the best judge of how depressed I am. And I realized that every single person who had written to me wanted me to get better. They thought I was important enough--and my depression damaging enough--to warrant enduring the ordeal of getting help.
So I did.
Improbably, I had an almost entirely positive experience once I got myself started. I found a therapist who I liked and who I connected with, and I worked with an endearingly enthusiastic man in the oncampus health center to get a new prescription for meds, instead of sticking with the antidepressants I've been on for almost eight years.
It's been two months since the new meds kicked in, and the differences are...staggering.
In the first few weeks, I kept telling myself that there was no way I was going to feel this good on a permanent basis. I figured I should just enjoy it while it lasted. And then, when it didn't go away, I thought "I'm cheating. There's no way that everyone goes around feeling like this all the time. I'm not just correcting the chemical imbalances in my brain, I'm fucking cheating." I talked about this with my mother, and she said that no, the majority of people don't feel like this all the time. She said she thinks that I'm just a happy person.
Before this, I have felt happy--and bouncy and cheerful and gleeful and exuberant--but I have also had panic attacks and weekends where I couldn't get out of bed and weeks where I lived on junk food because the best part of my day was Cheetos. I have felt happy, but never felt like a happy person.
The changes that surprise me the most are probably molehills to most people, but for me it feels like I just climbed motherfucking Everest. I cleaned my car. I went through all of my clothes and books and gave the stuff I didn't need to Goodwill. I organized my shelves and drycleaned my coat and enjoyed a shower just because the water felt nice on my face.
And, impossibly: my room has been clean for more than three days. And not just that--it's been clean for almost two months. I can't figure out how to convey what that means--my room is clean. My room has been clean. I have cleaned my room. Before this, I cleaned my room when I was manic, and as soon as that faded the dishes and laundry and books and trash would pile up again. Never, in my entire life, have I woken up for so many consecutive days in a room that is clean. I look around my room and take pleasure in it. I know that someone took care of the clothes and books and knickknacks arrayed on the bookshelves because they care about me. I'm taking care of me.
I have spent half my life dealing with diagnosed depression, and for the first time, I feel good. I still have the occasional bad day, and I freak out about implied negative comments and am awkwardsauce in social situations, but it's not as overwhelming as it used to be. I'm writing stories that aren't about loneliness, and I'm writing regularly. I'm enjoying my new notebook and exploring new cafes and opening my curtains sometimes because I like sunlight. I am enjoying my life.
*
I know that everyone who has depression experiences it in their own way and faces obstacles of their own. I know that my story is atypical, a work in progress, and right now still in a honeymoon phase. But it's a new year, goddammit! And I want to start it off by offering, to anyone who might need it, what was offered to me: hope.
I'm going to leave the rest of this entry to
resonant, who has summarized the issue much more eloquently and concisely than I can. This is in her words, and was copied with permission from her post here. *
I don't want to cause anyone pain or add to anyone's burdens.
But if you have depression or an anxiety disorder, and you've been putting off getting treatment because of the familiar litany of internalized self-hatred --
... Other people have it much worse than I do ...
... I'm not really sick; I just need to suck it up and deal with real life ...
... My pain is not important enough to justify professional help; I'd just be wasting someone's time ...
... Really most of it I'm just making up or exaggerating ...
... I can work, so I must be fine, right? ...
-- then what I want to say to you is this: If you were to go out today and find a counselor (or a different counselor, one who works better for you), I can promise you that there is someone in your life, someone who loves you, who would be so happy. Someone who would feel like it was their birthday and the FedEx truck just pulled up in front of their house. Someone who would feel like some horrible ear-splitting noise had just suddenly ceased.
Is this selfish of me? Possibly. If it sounds like that to you, ignore it; as I say, I don't want to make anyone's life more difficult. But if you're not treating your pain because you think that you're the only one who has to live with it, I can assure you that you're mistaken.
*
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:02 am (UTC)Depression is basically the worst. If you ever want to chat, I'm on gchat like ALL THE TIMES. aphrodite.mine there. *HUGS MORE*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:38 am (UTC)I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with as much as you have; I've definitely been lucky with how quickly I found medication that worked and that didn't have negative side effects. As soon as I figure out how to work my google talk thing again (it perplexes me so) I will add you. I'm not on often, but whenever I am, feel free to message me--or shoot me an email if you ever need/want to. I'm whoisyourb on gmail. <3
The idea of a box of good things sounds...lovely. Like. I think I know exactly what I'm going to put in mine. Paper flowers my sister made for me, cheesy YA novels I love to reread, clove gum that my mom refuses to tell me where she buys it from so that she can be my sole supplier--and also, chocolate. A fuckton of chocolate.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 06:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:42 am (UTC)It is so...startling, and comforting, to hear that other people have experienced what feels like such a lonely and personal journey. Mostly, comforting--knowing that even when things get bad, they can always get better. And the fact that you're coping even in the midst of so much shit is wonderful. Depression makes even the best days feel like impossible chores; medication/therapy/personal growth can make the hard times bearable. Which is horribly cliche, I know, but it's nice to say it out loud (er, type it out loud?) so that I can hear it, too.
*more hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 11:14 am (UTC)I remember when I finally went to a counsellor and got some meds (for me it was the first time I'd done so), and when they started working -- I had simply forgotten what feeling good felt like.
Depression is something that is still with me. Even on the meds, I had episodes that knocked me out for days or for up to a week, but most of the time I was okay. At the moment, I control it without meds (which isn't better or worse than with meds -- it's just what's right for me at the moment), and it's still there, waiting to eat my brain if the wrong set of circumstances occur -- but I am happy too, and that is fucking fantastic. It's so good to hear you talking about your own experience, and good to know that things are getting better for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:46 am (UTC)Thank you for sharing about your personal journey. It makes it feel less terrifying and overwhelming when you know other people have gone through the same thing, and come out the other side (even if a little worse for wear). It's nice to know that other people see 'being happy' as something so precious. And it's fantastic that you're managing without meds now, and are feeling good even though things aren't perfect (I admit to being a bit terrified of what'll happen the next time my mood swings downwards!). I expect I'll try going med-less when I'm out of grad school and in a place in my life where I can be patient with myself and take stock of the situation anew.
Anyway. Thank you. You're wonderful. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:39 pm (UTC)Enough about me, thank you for writing this post. I am sure you have touched many a heart.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:49 am (UTC)Anyway--I'm really glad you contacted me through email! And it's so nice to know that this post was good for more people than just me.
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-12 01:32 am (UTC)The changes that surprise me the most are probably molehills to most people, but for me it feels like I just climbed motherfucking Everest. I cleaned my car. I went through all of my clothes and books and gave the stuff I didn't need to Goodwill. I organized my shelves and drycleaned my coat and enjoyed a shower just because the water felt nice on my face.
Because yes. The first time I went on anti-depressants that worked, it was exactly like this. Where the tiny little things that everyone does without thinking about it were things that I could do now and my mind was absolutely blown by that.
I'm so, so glad that they're working for you and that you're feeling better. I've been there, and I know how hard it is, so I just wanted to say that even though we don't really know each other, I'm happy for you. ♥
And like I said, really hope this isn't creepy due to circumstances. Meep!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:53 am (UTC)*hugs you, to balance out the creepy*
*...may have tipped the creepy seesaw in the other direction*
Where the tiny little things that everyone does without thinking about it were things that I could do now and my mind was absolutely blown by that.
RIGHT? I got up this morning and showered and did errands and went to a cafe, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T HAVE TO. And then when it came time to decide whether or not to pursue the tentative hang-out plans I'd made with a new friend tonight, I DIDN'T CANCEL THEM.
WHAT EVEN IS THIS.
It seems fitting that something as isolating as depression can bring people together. Thank you for commenting, and sharing, and being lovely.
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:34 am (UTC)That is really not much to say, but it seems like the right thing. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:36 am (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:36 am (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 04:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:07 am (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:37 am (UTC)*hugs back*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 05:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:54 am (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 10:02 am (UTC){{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
And then real ones this weekend.
I'm so...(fill in descriptor: happy, proud, cheering-you-on, silver) for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:55 am (UTC)In-person hugs, though, are definitely the best kind of hugs. But in lieu of that, Monroe-snuggling-around-Nick icons will suffice. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 01:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 06:58 am (UTC)Thank you so much for sharing. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 02:16 pm (UTC)I can understand the clean room/apartment. While I was on vacation during the holidays, I found I had enough energy to get a lot of winterizing done and I've hired a friend who needs the money and enjoys cleaning (what a concept) to come in and clean my bathroom, and do a few things that I hate doing. It is always so awesome when she's been in. The apartment smells clean and I just relax and enjoy the peace. Luckily she doesn't charge much and I've decided it is worth it for the peace and tranquility.
Here's hoping that you can keep things going so well. Remember to sometimes just stop and enjoy the peacefullness that being happy can bring.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:30 am (UTC)Being in a nice environment makes such a huge difference--I never notice it when my room is a pigsty, but when it's clean, I just feel...clearer. Whether that's because I only ever clean it when I'm not depressed is up for debate--I just know that my room's still clean. And I bought a little desk and now I have a nice workspace. And. It is very, very nice.
Remember to sometimes just stop and enjoy the peacefullness that being happy can bring.
Thank you. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 02:43 pm (UTC)Your words are an inspiration, your actions are a beacon to everyone. Your wisdom is an incalcuable gift.
AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY.
Love you so much.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:33 am (UTC)Thank you so much for your lovely words. I am lucky, and honored, to be your friend.
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-10 03:36 pm (UTC)Also, can't wait to meet you - live and in person - this weekend.
::insert virtual hugs here::
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:46 am (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-11 12:02 am (UTC)I also want to tell you I am happy to hear you are happy. I'm happy to know you motivated yourself, as well as found other important reasons to look into seeing if there were more options for you out there, and that they worked.
I don't want to sound patronizing or condescending, but I truly am happy to hear that you are having better days, and I hope there are many more to come. I'm not sure if I ever congratulated you on your new relationship (?) but if not, hurray! She prolly is just as awesome as you are, and she sounds like she is a perfect match for you, when you speak of her! ^.^
Here's To A Great Year! *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:52 am (UTC)Thank you so much for your kind words, and for sharing in my newfound happiness. You didn't sound patronizing or condescending--and this is a hard topic to talk about, given how sensitive and personal it is--and I really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
The GF and I actually parted ways a few weeks ago, but only because she's moving out of state. We're still close friends and have been talking regularly, and thankfully the break-up hasn't detracted at all from how much she meant to me.
*big hugs*
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-11 02:40 am (UTC)I plan to go to a therapist as soon as I can afford it, which, thanks to the new job, will hopefully be soon!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 07:56 am (UTC)This is a really well-written post, and I'm so glad you're getting help and feeling better. It really does make me happy to know that you're happy.
See, you just write the best comments. Even though this post is important because of its content, not its form/style, I did work on it for a really long time to make sure everything was...honest. And because I want to be able to talk clearly about an experience that is so overwhelming and confusing.
And thank you for being happy that I'm happy. (Which sounds maybe selfish, since I'm saying it, but I think you know what I mean, and how much it means.)
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-11 09:29 pm (UTC)If you don't mind, I really want to ask you some things (like your opinion and advice)... but only if you don't mind. Is that ok?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 08:01 am (UTC)I hope the new year is starting off well for you. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-13 11:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-21 08:03 am (UTC)Thank you so much. ♥ and *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-01-25 03:33 am (UTC)Been a lurker for a while, love your fic, and I'm glad things are looking up for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-08 12:52 pm (UTC)Hey, you don't know me, and this may be strange (though, let's be honest, what's not, around here? :) ) but I first read one of your fics AGES (like possibly years? though the show's not all that old I guess) ago and keep coming back to it every couple of...er, months, I guess? I found it through kink_bingo and at the time I'd never seen White Collar. Now suddenly I'm a few episodes away from being caught up (!!) and I felt inclined to read a buuunch of your fic and was flipping back through your public entries, trying to remember if I've commented at you ever before... If not, hello! I'm Kat.
I really love this entry, and the comments in it + the comments in the entry you borrowed the italicized part from. I hadn't really been clicking the depression tags/cuts but I got curious because of the bottom bit and I'm really glad! I guess maybe I should have seen it coming since you quoted Next to Normal.
What are you in school for? I almost got a degree in Stage Management.
Hope this isn't too strange for you, and that you're well - as well as can be expected? Better.
yrs,
somebody else who, when "normal" (for me), is exceptionally happy and optimistic; but then goes through periods of forgetting who that person is; also, who is kind of sleep-deprived right now (I blame your fic! just kidding - I blame the USA Network and Matthew Bomer's stupid face) so hopefully this message makes ANY SENSE AT ALL bad grammar. <3